| I told myself I would write what I thought for a long period without thinking about it.
How do you love with a broken heart? Misunderstood and mistreated a heart knows nothing else, if only through desperation. Desperation's darkness clouds the mind making hope seem that much brighter. Feeling like nothing else matters and knowing it should. Fate became failure, faith to betrayal, love to hurt. How does one dictate actions as right or wrong when not pointed in any direction of self fulfillment? Steering blindfolded, shooting in the dark hoping to find something that works...something to fill the void. External laughter hiding internal tears for so long that neither hold definition. Any hurt recalls the greater pain. I love one too much for the other to understand. She was right to wait...wanting her and I to be the only victims she steps cautiously. Using people and substance as a brace between despair I could easily fall on my crutch. I'm going to far for having left part of me behind. Each person is circumstantially hurt, branching differently from the same situation. Everyone hurts but not in a way for any other to understand. I can't discount the past from my present happiness. Its holding me back. Had it never happened life would be picturesque. Do I have room to feel the way I do? I have lost much but gained as well. So why am I not satisfied? Simplicities don't exist anymore...everything is too unreal be simple. Time seems to soar when you don't know what the fuck you are doing. Physical pain is frequent, emotional pain is constant. Both of which are too intense to ignore and/or disguise...people notice. I am a hypocrite in the sense that I despise lies but live a lie. I am overwhelmed. No matter how smart I am or could be I could never no what the right thing to do being so conflicted. Morality is universally subject but is always subject to change between ones universe. I debate with myself wondering if to love someone is immoral knowing the risks you put them through for your own happiness. Is it selfishness, even if the other is aware of the risks? I claim to know more about them however. Having risked and lost. Does she even know what love is? How could she love more than her? Or maybe "her" no longer loves me the same way that she used to. Does she love us both? I can understand what her situation was now that I love more than one, but I still cant justify her actions as logical even if done with love. She loves him more than me and it hurts. It shouldnt but it does. But neither can know for the sake of themselves. I am a hypocrite.
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| It's xanga...does anybody still use this? I havn't been on here in over 3 years...
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| all i haf to say is this is going to be a really long week |
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| my weekend kicked ass!!
i dont want it to be over tho....o well summer is around the corner |
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| changed my old xanga back....dont like it...then cry about it
p.s. dont really cry id feel bad. lol |
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